Just let it in. Let it all in.

I feel so excited to be writing right now! For a long, long time I have had the block in my heart that has told me no, I just can't right now. But as I usually do, I am ready to jump back in and open up. I will first off say thank you to the people encouraging me to come back, reassuring me that in my troubled times and wandering that my voice is still important and there is still room to show my imperfection. I can't tell you how constant I felt the need to disappear because "My life is a mess" and "Who am I to write anything encouraging?" when I am in true despair. But I needed the time. I just needed time to experience many new things that 23 has brought me and that God has led me through.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Despair is a new word that I have experienced deep in my soul over the last several months. It comes from experiencing my first ever grief, of a death. I am not ready to be writing about it but here I am pushing through anyway because it's time. I lost my dearest, most precious mamaw. I could write an entire book about her alone- but losing her so suddenly and too soon ripped my heart out, stung all over, and was the epitome of despair. It would come from nowhere, the feeling. I felt it when I had nothing else to feel, when I was tired of crying, tired of being held, tired of being tired. I knew what it was, and we were not friends. But this leads me to this: I often ponder about my experiences and the various circumstances that I have endured thinking about whether or not I can use that to relate to other people. Confusing? Hang in there LoL.

Maybe a friend of yours has gone through a nasty break up and so have you, so sometimes it hurts you even more than they are hurting. Because you know. Or maybe your parents got a divorce and it had an extraordinary impact on your childhood. And you have someone close to you that has also gone through that or is currently. And, you just know. Maybe even watching your younger sibling struggle with an addiction or a "sin" that you know all too well and it punctures you. You empathize because you KNOW. What I am trying to get at is we already know that we go through situations to shape us and to help others (and if you’re a believer and you didn’t- here ya go!). And I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have always thought about what I am NOT able to relate to with others. There would be a girl in a small group dealing with something difficult and I would sit there and listen- and feel for her but I didn’t know, and that always bothered me a little bit. Grief of a loved one is something I have thought about and have never been able to relate to. So naturally I’ve always had a sort of anxiety about losing someone for the sake of experience until recently.

I know it’s a blessing to be 23 without having lost an essential person in my life (from death), but it sure doesn't feel like it. I don't think I will ever be the same again but one thing, most days, the only thing that I am thankful for from this painful experience is that it's a true blessing to be able to relate to others that are grieving. I cannot be the best christian, godly woman, spouse, teacher, friend, sister etc. without knowing the truest form of despair. Because in my deepest hurt I felt loved and surrounded at the absolute most passionate level (by those that were actually there). If I can be that cushion for someone experiencing what I felt, thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus for advancing the relationship that this experience will bridge me because of it. You need to let whatever God is doing in your life in. Good or bad. Just let it in, let it all in.

I do truly believe that every storm runs out of rain, and that there is a purpose for every tear shed. But it’s not for me to know. It’s just a step through the puddle that honestly might not be as deep as it looks.

So the majority of these past months this has been my reality. And it has sucked, excuse my candor. It has sucked for my first year teaching. It has sucked for just getting engaged. It has sucked for it to be during the holiday season. But guys I'm telling you honestly- I can't see the end yet. I can't see the light at the end of this wretched, narrow footpath. I cannot see God's hand in this but I know it's there. I'm grieving! I know it will last forever to some extent. And listen, I have twenty little bodies that take alllll of my soul every day and so many days through this I don't think I smiled one time. Just being honest. And even the girl typing behind this post will tell you that I didn't pray, really pray, for weeks. I couldn't! I knew it was one of those times where God was saying trust me but I couldn't, because "his signs” were wrong for me (in my perspective, anyway). I don't know why, I thought I was doing everything right. But the hardest thing for me to grasp is the fact that I may never know why anything happened the ways in which they have.

Acts 1:7

Jesus said to them, “It is not for you to know the times or epochs which the Father has fixed by His own authority.”

"Father you give and take away, every joy and every pain"

So many times I have written and felt like I needed to be out of a situation with wise things to say about how I grew, and what God did for me. But right now, I’m saying that I am still in the whirlwind. It's most important that I reveal what I am doing while I feel despair and wreckage, and honestly lost. So if you aren't really encouraged reading this, I pray that it is comforting to know that you aren't alone when you feel despair or feel like you have been abandoned by God. And I also pray that you are comforted when the last thing you want to do is praise him- also because you are not alone in that either. I'm saying it's hard, very hard. But these are the testing times. And I would love for you to reach out and tell me if you can relate, know this feeling, or genuinely need to talk about this because I would love nothing more.

Romans 8:18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

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When you're in the pits of despair...

#1 I reach out to my godly people. My sweetest friend Carley mentioned this quote “I get in that rut too, if I KNOW something about God but I don’t FEEL it and it’s a spiritual tug of war” and I am living that right now. Reach out to people that you trust will give you honest, god fearing consolation. Don’t reach out to the temporary friends you want to be there- because it might feel good but it’s not in the light of God. You need people to see the light at the end in God’s way, especially if you can’t. Two dead flashlights don’t make a lit path, but two people can use one flashlight. I'm just sayin.

#2 I am reciting what I know to be true even if I don’t feel like it. And guys I FEEL like God has let me down. Do you know what that feels like? Every sign I was given before my mamaw died was GOOD, and HOPEFUL. And then she died suddenly. I know God is good. I know he is just. I know that he works for the good of those that love him. I know that he died for me. I know that he feels my pain. I know that I am a daily, awful sinner and he still loves me endlessly. If you could only feel the jitter in my bones that I feel right now typing this !!

So yes, it is pretty freakin hard but I am acting in obedience and doing it anyway (and still failing everyday- it’s a war with the flesh. And satan).

#3 I talk back to the devil with utter aggression- hahaha. But yes, and satan. I don’t capitalize his name on purpose. He doesn’t have authority over me and I don’t give him the honor or respect, personally. But when you are in the valley or desert, with cracks of your soul split open, satan can, and he does creep in to make those wounds as ugly as he can. For prime example, like he has done to me far too long. I hid in the shadows believing I was not worthy of using my voice. But why? Seriously what did I have to lose? I was already in misery, and I could've been using that time to help someone else in theirs. I thought the idea of talking back to the devil was silly at first but, Joyce Meyer, (I am a huge fan of hers btw) said it’s important that we verbally, out loud respond to the devil and speak into existence that he is not in control and he isn’t allowed to sway your life. And it really has worked for me! Just try it you will see.

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Luna is festive pupper this season xo

So I pray that you feel comforted more than anything from this post. I know I typically use more scripture, and biblical examples but sometimes I just need to know that I am not alone, here in the flesh. Sometimes I don't want to hear about hope, I just want to be acknowledged for where I am right now. We need the word to rely on, but sometimes it seems overwhelming when your heart is yearning for consolation first. See ya soon 💛

-R